State of the Universe and Predictions for 1998 
-Swami Beyondananda
 

    by Swami Beyondananda  aka    Steve Bhaerman. 



     


   Dear Friends:

   Well, another year is here and so are we. For those of you 
keeping score, 1998 is, numerologically speaking, a "9" year, which 
means  completion and the end of a cycle. So be careful biking along 
dark country roads at night unless you want to take an incomplete this 
time  around, okay? Now I know many mystics have predicted that 
1998 will be  a year of major shift. In fact, many say this is the year 
that the   shift will really hit the fan. It all depends on your perspective. 
As   you know, there are two kinds of mystics -- the optimystics and 
the  pessimystics. The pessimystics are running around saying, "The 
sky is   falling! The sky is falling!" The optimystics are saying, 
"Hey, relax.   It only looks as though the sky is falling because we are 
ascending."


   For those of you fretting that the end is near, you can relax too. I
   have it on good authority that the Sponsor is very much enjoying 
the   show, and it should run for many, many more seasons. Believe 
me, you  will have ample warning when the end comes. When 
you look up in the   sky and they are running the credits, that will 
be a pretty clear   sign.


   In spite of what you might have noticed in your personal life, the
   Universe just kept humming along as usual in 1997. For example, 
you   may have experienced an increase in crime in your neighborhood, 
but   the Universe wouldn't know it. Last year, not one Natural Law 
was  broken. Gravity continued to hold, and fortunately, so did levity. 
And  while atoms and molecules rearranged themselves at a record 
pace, they   are the same atoms and molecules that have been 
around since God made them for His seventh grade science project.


   Moving a little closer to home, interdimensional and intergalactic
   activity remained strong in 1997, but there is good news. Visitors
   from the Pleiades now outnumber those from Sirius, which means 
you can   look forward to more plei and less siriusness in 1998. Global 
warming   continues to be a problem, but the Universe has provided a 
natural counterbalance. Though the planet is warmer than it was forty 
years   ago, the current generation is way cooler, and this cool trend is
   expected to continue well into the next century.


   Alas, I am sad to say we did not make much progress in arms 
reduction   in 1997. But thanks to President Clinton not signing 
the Land Mine Treaty, leg reduction should pretty much continue 
unabated.


   Now before I give my predictions for the coming year, I want to 
offer  this caveat: I firmly believe the purpose of prophecy is prevention,
   so you will be happy to know that I have a 100% success rate. 
Not one  of my predictions has ever come true. Having said that, 
here are some  headlines you can watch for in 1998:


   Eighty Million Extra-Terrestrials Arrive!


   During 1998, eighty million extra-terrestrials will arrive on Earth,
   but don't take my word for it. According to the Worldwatch 
Institute,   we now have some 5.5 billion terrestrials Thanks to our 
government's  policy of not disseminating birth control information,
 the usual   seminating will take place instead and we can look 
forward to   approximately eighty million extras arriving on the set,
 most of them   with speaking parts.


   Fringe Group Brings Government To Its Knees With 
Long-Suppressed  Weapon!


   A small group of Truth in Government activists will successfully 
put   an end to our current political system in 1998 when they invade
   Washington, D.C. with perhaps the most feared weapon known 
to   civilized man -- the bullshit detector. The device, which was 
invented   back in the '50s but suppressed by authorities as "a threat to
   civilization as we know it," has already been smuggled out by a 
mole   in the Department of Defensiveness, Insecurity Division and is 
being   readied for mass production. It will be sold under the trade name
   "Truth or Consequences" and will feature a Beulah-like buzzer 
just   like on the old TV show. When the buzzer goes 
"burp-BU-RRR-P!" the   user knows that whoever it is being 
pointed at is full of you-know-what. While this devastating weapon 
has the power to destroy such established icons as daytime TV, 
the legal profession, the   advertising industry, academia 
and much of organized religion, its   manufacturers claim that 
it poses no real harm to human life. They assure us it is the 
exact opposite of the neutron bomb. Institutions   will crumble, 
but people will be left standing.


   Animal Experimentation Horror Story!


   This year, sad to say, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of
   Animals) will uncover yet another horror story of animals being 
used   to test drugs. Look for the startling revelation that our rare and
   beloved bald eagles were used to test Rogaine.


   JFK Assassination Finally Solved!


   In 1998, the mystery of who shot JFK will finally be put to rest 
when   it will be revealed that President Kennedy's most dangerous 
enemies   were not CIA or the Mafia, but hat manufacturers. It 
seems that   Kennedy was the first President in a hundred years 
who refused to wear   a hat, and from 1961-63 hat sales in 
America plummeted by 75%. This   left hat-makers mad as hatters, 
and desperate enough to try anything.   
Documents coming to light this year will prove beyond a shadow 
of a   doubt that JFK was done in by the millinery industrial complex.


   Chinese Export Ancient Technique For Abundant Wealth!


   The Chinese, who have given us such ancient healing practices 
as   acupuncture and acupressure, chi kung and tai chi, have 
apparently   perfected a technique for generating and 
concentrating wealth.   Although based on ancient principles 
known worldwide, the technique   has been practiced to 
perfection by the present People's Republic   regime.
It involves mobilizing all of one's life energy -- that which
   is called "chi" (pronounced "chee") -- toward creating 
wealth at any   cost, and it is called Chi Ting. For the past 
forty years, Chi Ting   masters in the Chinese government 
have been putting dissidents in   prison and forcing them 
to work without pay. More recently, other Chi   Ting 
practitioners have been mass-producing bootleg versions of 
CDs,  movies and videos. Unlike tai chi or chi kung which can take 
years to   master, Chi Ting is simple, and many of its 
principles are already   familiar to those of us who have 
lived through Watergate, the S&L;   scandals, and recent 
campaign-finance investigations. Watch for a new  book 
on the art of Chi Ting, I Upped My Income ... Up Yours: The
   Principles of Unprincipled Wealth-Gathering by Midas 
Welby-Rich, to  climb to the top of the best-seller list in 1998.


   by Steve Bhaerman.  


  

   Remember, laughter is physically healing because it causes the 
blood   vessels to dilate, which beats having them die early.