Things noted on real resumes (some of which appeared in Fortune
magazine, July 1997):

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
  Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
  cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
  employers.
- Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping.  I have
never
  quit a job.

SPECIAL ABILITIES:
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
- Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate
  for business.
- Proven ability to track down and correct erors.
- Qualifications: No education or experience.
- Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
- Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
  does not know I am looking for another job.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
  meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
- I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
- Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were
  unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.
- It's best for employers that I not work with people.
- You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
  operation.
- Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you
  shorty!"
- Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
- Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
- As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.