DOWNSIZING AT THE NORTH POLE
If you have North Pole stocks you should read carefully. This report may
be
financially important to you!
The following was extracted from a recent memo sent out by the Director
of
North Pole Operations.....
The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons
greetings
has been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward
corporate
downsizing. The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have
elected
to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal
of
concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
restructuring
decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole
no
longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping
channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share
and
he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit
picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late
model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity
from
Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
antici-
pated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service.
Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions
for
which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be
dis-
turbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
Management
denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that
Rudolph's
nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling
Rudolph 'a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of
the
load' was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and
taken
out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive
stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North
Pole
to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective
immediately,
the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of
Christmas" subsidiary.
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out
to
be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
hanging
plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could
not
be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone
loves
the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine
who
the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into
other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology
stocks
appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg
per
goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three
geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by
personnel
will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be
a
good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times.
The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on
order.
The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and
there-
fore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is
being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with
no
upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to
try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will
be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do
the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee
to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work Congressmen.
While
leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are
significant
because we expect an oversupply of unemployed Congressmen this
year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case
of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which
will
drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals
and
other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate stretching
deliveries
over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day,
service
levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion
to include the legal profession ('thirteen lawyers-a-suing') action is
pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary
in
the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the board will
request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs
is
the right number.
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