State of the Universe and Predictions for 1998
by Swami Beyondananda aka Steve Bhaerman.
Well, another year is here and so are we. For those of you
keeping score, 1998 is, numerologically speaking, a "9" year, which
means completion and the end of a cycle. So be careful biking along
dark country roads at night unless you want to take an incomplete this
time around, okay? Now I know many mystics have predicted that
1998 will be a year of major shift. In fact, many say this is the year
that the shift will really hit the fan. It all depends on your perspective.
As you know, there are two kinds of mystics -- the optimystics and
the pessimystics. The pessimystics are running around saying, "The
sky is falling! The sky is falling!" The optimystics are saying,
"Hey, relax. It only looks as though the sky is falling because we are
For those of you fretting that the end is near, you can relax too. I
have it on good authority that the Sponsor is very much enjoying
the show, and it should run for many, many more seasons. Believe
me, you will have ample warning when the end comes. When
you look up in the sky and they are running the credits, that will
be a pretty clear sign.
In spite of what you might have noticed in your personal life, the
Universe just kept humming along as usual in 1997. For example,
you may have experienced an increase in crime in your neighborhood,
but the Universe wouldn't know it. Last year, not one Natural Law
was broken. Gravity continued to hold, and fortunately, so did levity.
And while atoms and molecules rearranged themselves at a record
pace, they are the same atoms and molecules that have been
around since God made them for His seventh grade science project.
Moving a little closer to home, interdimensional and intergalactic
activity remained strong in 1997, but there is good news. Visitors
from the Pleiades now outnumber those from Sirius, which means
you can look forward to more plei and less siriusness in 1998. Global
warming continues to be a problem, but the Universe has provided a
natural counterbalance. Though the planet is warmer than it was forty
years ago, the current generation is way cooler, and this cool trend is
expected to continue well into the next century.
Alas, I am sad to say we did not make much progress in arms
reduction in 1997. But thanks to President Clinton not signing
the Land Mine Treaty, leg reduction should pretty much continue
Now before I give my predictions for the coming year, I want to
offer this caveat: I firmly believe the purpose of prophecy is prevention,
so you will be happy to know that I have a 100% success rate.
Not one of my predictions has ever come true. Having said that,
here are some headlines you can watch for in 1998:
Eighty Million Extra-Terrestrials Arrive!
During 1998, eighty million extra-terrestrials will arrive on Earth,
but don't take my word for it. According to the Worldwatch
Institute, we now have some 5.5 billion terrestrials Thanks to our
government's policy of not disseminating birth control information,
the usual seminating will take place instead and we can look
forward to approximately eighty million extras arriving on the set,
most of them with speaking parts.
Fringe Group Brings Government To Its Knees With
A small group of Truth in Government activists will successfully
put an end to our current political system in 1998 when they invade
Washington, D.C. with perhaps the most feared weapon known
to civilized man -- the bullshit detector. The device, which was
invented back in the '50s but suppressed by authorities as "a threat to
civilization as we know it," has already been smuggled out by a
mole in the Department of Defensiveness, Insecurity Division and is
being readied for mass production. It will be sold under the trade name
"Truth or Consequences" and will feature a Beulah-like buzzer
just like on the old TV show. When the buzzer goes
"burp-BU-RRR-P!" the user knows that whoever it is being
pointed at is full of you-know-what. While this devastating weapon
has the power to destroy such established icons as daytime TV,
the legal profession, the advertising industry, academia
and much of organized religion, its manufacturers claim that
it poses no real harm to human life. They assure us it is the
exact opposite of the neutron bomb. Institutions will crumble,
but people will be left standing.
Animal Experimentation Horror Story!
This year, sad to say, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of
Animals) will uncover yet another horror story of animals being
used to test drugs. Look for the startling revelation that our rare and
beloved bald eagles were used to test Rogaine.
JFK Assassination Finally Solved!
In 1998, the mystery of who shot JFK will finally be put to rest
when it will be revealed that President Kennedy's most dangerous
enemies were not CIA or the Mafia, but hat manufacturers. It
seems that Kennedy was the first President in a hundred years
who refused to wear a hat, and from 1961-63 hat sales in
America plummeted by 75%. This left hat-makers mad as hatters,
and desperate enough to try anything.
Documents coming to light this year will prove beyond a shadow
of a doubt that JFK was done in by the millinery industrial complex.
Chinese Export Ancient Technique For Abundant Wealth!
The Chinese, who have given us such ancient healing practices
as acupuncture and acupressure, chi kung and tai chi, have
apparently perfected a technique for generating and
concentrating wealth. Although based on ancient principles
known worldwide, the technique has been practiced to
perfection by the present People's Republic regime.
It involves mobilizing all of one's life energy -- that which
is called "chi" (pronounced "chee") -- toward creating
wealth at any cost, and it is called Chi Ting. For the past
forty years, Chi Ting masters in the Chinese government
have been putting dissidents in prison and forcing them
to work without pay. More recently, other Chi Ting
practitioners have been mass-producing bootleg versions of
CDs, movies and videos. Unlike tai chi or chi kung which can take
years to master, Chi Ting is simple, and many of its
principles are already familiar to those of us who have
lived through Watergate, the S&L scandals, and recent
campaign-finance investigations. Watch for a new book
on the art of Chi Ting, I Upped My Income ... Up Yours: The
Principles of Unprincipled Wealth-Gathering by Midas
Welby-Rich, to climb to the top of the best-seller list in 1998.
by Steve Bhaerman.
Remember, laughter is physically healing because it causes the
blood vessels to dilate, which beats having them die early.