Tips for Northerners moving South

1.  Save all manner of bacon grease.  You will be
instructed later how to use it.

2.  If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him
(or her) as "Bubba".  You have a 75% chance of being right.

3.  Just because you can drive on snow and ice does
not mean we can.
Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4.  If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with
a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will
be along shortly.  Don't try to help them.  Just stay
out of their way. This is what they live for.

5.  Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait
in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7.  If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't
worth cooking, let alone eating.

8.  Remember:  "Y'all" is singular.  "All y'all" is
plural.  "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9.  There is nothing sillier than a Northerner
imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner
imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here,
are you?"

11.  People walk slower here.

12.  Don't be worried that you don't understand
anyone.  They don't understand you either.

13.  The first Southern expression to creep into a
transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'",
as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy".  Eighty-five percent begin
their new southern influenced dialect with this expression.
One hundred percent are in denial about it.

14.  The proper pronunciation you learned in school
is no longer proper.

15.  Be advised:  The "He needed killin'" defense is
valid here.

16.  If attending a funeral in the South, remember,
we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on
and the tent is torn down.

17.  If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all,
watch this!"  stay out of his way.  These are likely
the last words he will ever say.

18.  Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and
they ignore those who do.  In fact, if you see a signal
blinking on a car with a southern license plate,
you may rest assured that it was on  when the
car was purchased.

19.  Northerners can be identified by the spit on the
inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other

20.  The winter wardrobe you always brought out in
September can wait until November.

22.  If there is the prediction of the slightest
chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of
snow, your presence is required at the
local grocery store.  It does not matter if you need
anything from the store, it is just something you're
supposed to do.

>23.  Satellite dishes are very popular in the South.
When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front
of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost
considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore,
be displayed.

24.  Tornadoes and Southerners going through a
divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you
know someone is going to lose a trailer.

25.  Florida is not considered a southern state.
There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

26.  In southern churches you will hear the hymn,
"All Glory, Laud and Honor".  You will also here
expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy",
"Good Laud", and
"Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

27.  As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in
a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road,
remember, many folks learned to drive on a model
of vehicle known as John Deere, and
this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

28.  You can ask a Southerner for directions, but
unless you already know the positions of key hills,
trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.