These are excerpts from an actual newspaper contest, where entrants aged 4 to
15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy" ...

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we
get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
should have told him the truth that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
have lost the nose hair and the old man smell. Age 5

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine
that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source
of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier,
the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water
riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my
dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away
all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is
why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to
wash clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think
about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have
a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December
26, just for the long weekends. Age 8

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple
of days saved up. Age 7

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any old yokel vote. Age 10

Home is where the house is. Age 6

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it,
the blood would be right there. Age 5

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think
it odd that I drive without pants. Age 15

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Age 13

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.
That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or
"Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was
speeding?" Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed
them, right? Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be
until the looting started. Age 15