Take it with a grain of salt, of course- I'm quit sure it's
How to know whether you're
ready to have a baby:
1) MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in
the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. Place a rancid fish stick behind the couch and leave it
there all summer.
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread
the Legos all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to
the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
2) GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with
you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and
pay for anything they eat or damage.
3) DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all arms stay inside.
4) FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to
insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios)
into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now
dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
5) NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill with 8 - 12 lbs of
sand. Soak thoroughly in water. At 8:00pm begin to waltz and hum
with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for
10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag and sing every song you have ever
heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am.
Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5
years. Look cheerful.
6) PHYSICAL TEST (Woman):
Obtain a large bean-bag-chair type cushion and attach to the front of
your clothes. Leave there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the
7) PHYSICAL TEST (Man):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask
the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store.
Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.
8) FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how
they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can
improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run riot. Enjoy this experience.
This will be the last time you will have all the answers.