Airline humor?
     (After Surviving 130,000 Calls From The Traveling Public)
              By: Jonathan Lee -- The Washington Post

I work in a central reservation office of an airline company.  After
more than 130,000 conversations -- all ending with "Have a nice day
and thanks for calling" -- I think it's fair to say that I'm a

I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the
difference between a.m.  and p.m., from mothers of military recruits
who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman
who called to get advice on how to handle her teenage daughter, from
the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he
wouldn't have to pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to know why
she had to change clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington
(she was told she'd have to make a change between the two cities) and
from the man who asked if I'd like to discuss the existential humanism
that emanates from the soul of Habeeb.

In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding
the astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry.  This
lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic
status, ethnic background, and level of education.  My battles have
included everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name of
the town he was from, to another not recognizing the name of "Iowa" as
being a state, to another who thought he had to apply for a foreign
passport to fly to West Virginia.

They are the enemy and they are everywhere.  In the history of the
world there has never been as much communication and new things to
learn as today.  Yet, after asking a woman from New York what city she
wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked " it a big place?"

I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man
in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the
South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked,
"Instead of paying for my ticket, can I just donate the money to the
National Cancer Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for
his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was calling from.

I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on,
a man asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike.  Then a
woman asked if we flew to area code 304.  And I knew I had been
shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in,
does that mean it's arriving or departing?" I remembered the strict
training we had received -- four weeks of regimented classes on
airline codes, computer technology, and telephone behavior -- and it
allowed for no means of retaliation.  We were told, "it's real hell
out there and ya got no defense.  You're going to hear things so silly
you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain things to your
friends that you don't even believe yourself, and just when you think
you've heard it all, someone will ask if they can get a free
round-trip ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'."

It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who wanted
to fly to Hippopotamus, NY.  After assuring her that there was no such
city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big airport.
I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse.  It wasn't.  Then
I asked if it was near Buffalo.  "Buffalo!" she said.  "I knew it was
a big animal!"

Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man
who tried to catch our flight in Maconga.  I told him I'd never heard
of Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it.  But he insisted we did
and to prove it he showed me his ticket:  Macon, GA.

I've done nothing during my conversational confrontations to indicate
that I couldn't understand English.  But after quoting the round-trip
fare the passenger just asked for, he'll always ask:  "...Is that
one-way?" I never understood why they always question if what I just
gave them is what they just asked for.  But I've survived to direct
the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the weary, teach U.S.  geography
and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of American
cities.  I have been told things like:  "I can't go stand-by for your
flight because I'm in a wheelchair."

I've been asked such questions as:  "I have a connecting flight to
Knoxville.  Does that mean the plane sticks to something?" And once a
man wanted to go to Illinois.  When I asked what city he wanted to go
to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio."

After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran of
communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what the next move
by "them" will be.

Seventy-five percent won't have anything to write on.  Half
will not have thought about when they're returning.  A third won't
know where they're going; 10 percent won't care where they're going.
A few won't care if they get back.  And James will be the first name
of half the men who call. But even if James doesn't care if he gets to
the city he never heard of; even if he thinks he has to change clothes
on our plane that may stick to something; even if he can't spell,
pronounce, or remember what city he's returning to, he'll get there
because I've worked very hard to make sure that he can.  Then with a
click of the phone, he'll become a part of my past and I'll be hoping
the next caller at least knows what day it is.

Oh, and James..."Thanks for calling and have a nice day."